my two cents

an hour ago, my family and i ate at luyong restaurant.  luyong restaurant is a local restaurant here in marikina city.  as far as i know, there are several branches here but i don't know if there are any outside the city.

as i was eating, people were staring.  at first, i thought, they were staring at me.  but, then, i realize they were staring at the people at my back.  i was tempted to look but they were too close to me.  i don't want to embarrass myself, so i didn't.

as i continue eating, people are still staring.  it was annoying.  i thought maybe one of them is a celebrity or a politician or someone famous.  after a couple of minutes, we finished eating.

as i stood up, i try to look but i was unable to.  our car was facing the restaurant so if i sit in front i could see who they were.  when i sat down, i saw them.  there were three of them -- an old guy and two young boys, definitely twinks.  the twinks were handsome and looked clean and decent.  the old guy is in his 60s or 70s and he's gay -- my gay radar never fails me.

that was the moment it crossed my mind -- will i be like him someday?  will i be an old gay man hiring young boys?  i know there is nothing wrong with that, as long as there are above 18 -- consenting adults.

i'm already 33 years old and i'm single.  i want to grow old with someone.  i don't want to judge him because i don't know him.  but, these things came to my mind as i looked at them.  there is a part of me, that i wish i could be like him -- dating two young boys at the same time and with no care in the world.  then, there's another part of me, that i don't want to be him.

i was so quick to judge.  i felt so sad, not for him -- maybe, but for me.  i don't know what will happen to me in the future.  will i find someone to grow old with?  will i grow old alone?